Deep resistance {depression)

When I started to write this blog I was confident that i understood the reason for depression. Since, I was depressed for a year and managed to come out. I was confident that with the new found knowledge I could sum it up in a paragraph. But, while trying to write this i faced another tragedy and went back into depression. I began wondering again struggling to understand, where I was going wrong?, How is it that after the effort that I took to come of it, I was back in the same position??? Why is it this made my blood pressure go high at the age of 23?". All these thoughts created a desire for me to understand the cause for my blood pressure and a way to move on from depression.

Back drop: for years I was inflicting unnescesary stress on myself to find a good job and settle in life. It was so unnecessary that when in a group task if no one was interested I would still take up the task and try to complete it on my own, even though it was not simple and not very important. With this self centered mentality I tried to complete all the task in life, becoming lonely in the process. But, I am not sure if It was my fault all my child hood I was isolated with very few friends and doing things alone was not new. As the time went on my loneliness only became worse. During this time I fell in love with a girl. she was like a light in the darkness for me. She helped me see the better side of my life and I moved on from the lonely past of mine and started talking with people around me more often. It was becoming the best part of my life. As I was getting to move with more and more people I started to change, started to become rude. She started to move away more and more form me. I thought she was getting busy and i didn’t care much about it. But, when I found out that she was in love with someone else and is going to marry him. Everything around me came crashing down. It was the most depressing time for me. I hardly had any excuse. The person for whom i changed was no more with me. I lost the purpose and depression set in for good. No, excuse that I gave to myself consoled me. But, life is hard and we have to move on.

FORGETING was the most difficult thing to do especially when you don’t want to rember a person who is so deeply embedded in brain. It was time that helped me and my determination that was shattered, was back a little I had to move on. Staying at home alone was torturing the sorrow consumed me when alone. It was done with the little remaining strength I started going to job.

In order to forget the past and to retain the job I stressed myself to become the best, and it seemed to work. Though the stress inflicted upon me helped me focus on the work that was before hand, it made me blind of the world around, Bringing my social life to a stop. When I entered the job I got nervous even in the most basic task and did not perform well. Eventually stress got the better of me and i was forced to quit. Being jobless was also not easy, continues dormant status made me lose my wits and numbed my thinking. This just made things worse. Everything in within me was going bad my diet got ruined and I started feeling numb within. It was almost like something from within was telling me to take a break.

Discovering How to come out of depression was a mystery for me. With every step that I took to come out of depression, just back fired and worsened my situation. I had to sit and think about the reason for me being depressed and the reason was simple, I was feeling rejected by the world. Social needs of mine are not satisfied any more. I had to reason and assure myself that the world is simple; it’s only us who make things complicated. After all, objectives of life are to survive and reproduce. Are these, so hard a task that we have to get depressed for doing it? Well, I felt silly for being depressed and told myself that life was simple again and again whenever I felt depressed. So I gave myself a reason for not being depressed. (If you’re a person who is searching for purpose in life reason will surely improve your spirits)

Blood pressure is really a demoralizing factor. But, it helped me focus on the issues in which I was going wrong. I went back to focus about my past and on the things that which made me happy as a child. I went on to play sports of different fields, started jogging and reduced focus on my professional career. It helped me reduce the stress and gave me time to think about the things that I most enjoyed. With regular exercise and a good meal brought me to a healthy state. I almost started feeling like a kid again. The pressure started reducing and depression along with it. But, it did not happen in a day I had to frequently understand and feel myself to know if my steps are working. Meditation really helped me to feel the inner me. It relaxed my nerves and helped me control the thoughts. But, the time spent by me destroying the inner strength was more than the time taken to come out. It wasn’t easy at the beginning of every try to calm myself failed and reduced my confidence further it drove me to favor the worst thoughts. But, all along the thought that life simple, kept me going and helped me to understand the minor changes in life. Helping me to hope and hope for the best.

Over Coming Failure was the hardest part it was because of difficulties in handling failures that drove my head in the direction of depression. But, failure is also the factor that made me know me better. With every failure in making me better being an eye opener, helping me to take better choices.

Being with the Right People is very important to recover, many a times I found myself in situations where I didn’t want to be in. I felt I had no choice. But, its just the opposite. We are always in control, but we just don’t realize it. I understood it at the worst of the situation.

But, it was still worth the try and it reduced half my problems.

The increase in heart pressure and my wrong decisions and depression seemed to coincide. During this time i understood that going by others wish is the worst thing that a person can do. The whole world will tell us what’s good for us. But, we have to follow what we know is good for us. “Since, no one in the world can understand us better than ourselves”.